So Bad, It’s…Well, Terrible
A Pain-Staking Recap of The Room
Oh lord.
I must do it. Not only must I sit through this movie, I have to attempt to keep my sanity in check while doing so. Hey, if the Nostalgia Critic and Obscurus Lupa can do it, so can I.
*Deep breath*
Alright, here it goes…my recap of…THE ROOM!
That’s right, kids, my recap of the 2003 “independent” wunderkind of a film, written by, directed, produced, executive produced, and starring the Other International Man of Mystery (due in no small part to his undefinable accent), Tommy Wiseau. This is the film that got Nostalgia Critic in trouble for no darn good reason other than Tommy Wiseau thought this film got negative publicity. I hate to say it, but Critic recommended this film to his viewers. So, after seeing his review, one of my friends and I decided we needed to see this film. My goodness, we needed to see the brainchild of this “director” in all its screaming glory. And scream it did. My goodness did it scream.
First, some background. The Room is a 2003 independent film that was written, directed, executive-produced, and stars Tommy Wiseau, a man whose origins I couldn’t possibly figure out based on listening to him alone. The film was produced and marketed on a $6 million budget, but we’ll be the judge of that. Also starring in the film are a bunch of unknown actors, spouting some of the hokiest dialogue EVER. The film has received cult status and shows at midnight screenings around the world. I would attempt to explain more, but that would just ruin the recap.
So, without further ado, I’m going to go full force and live with the consequences of my actions…I’m going to recap The Room!
So, once we get past the Wiseau Films logo, which looks worse than the production logos on most low-budget horror films in the 80s (and all porno films), we come to the title screen. So…were the opening credits made on a Mac computer? Certainly looks it. However, the opening credits do have some great shots of San Francisco. Probably cost at least $5 million. I guess we can figure out where the rest of the budget will go.
Hey, look kids! Danny Tanner’s house!
So, as the beautiful scenery, Mac computer-made credits, and overly dramatic score come to a dramatic end in front of an apartment building, the film begins…and does it begin!
Think Christopher Walken with an undefinable accent and long hair, and you've got Johnny. And this is Lisa, the female lead no one can believe he is sleeping with.
“Oh hai, babe!” Holy shit, is my volume turned up too much, or is this guy just loud? The camera cuts to a shot of a blonde woman on a couch, who seems so excited that this man has come home. He informs her that he has something for her, and when she insists he tell her, he makes her work for it, by trying to squirm away from her. Dude, that is not funny. Give her the present…quit teasing her. So he hands it to her, and when she opens it, the gift is a slinky red negligee. She asks if its ok to try it on right now, and he says yes because “it is hers.” Oh, so its not for your other girlfriend? And then she does the first thing that sickens me about this movie…she kisses him. And my skin crawls.
So, two hours later (based on the fade-in effect), she emerges down the stairs in the red dress, and proceeds to do a turn in it. She asks if it is fabulous, and he replies with “I will do anything for my girl.” And is it me, or is this line dubbed terribly? The first of many, I believe.
And then, some kid arrives. Johnny greets him lazily as “Denny.” Ok, I’m gonna reach for a reference here…anyone remember Darlene’s boyfriend, David, on Roseanne? This is the reject version of David (my friend Marissa pointed out that saying that is an insult to the guy who played David. I make no apologies). So, who is this random youth run amok just walking into a neighbor’s apartment? Ever hear of knocking, kid?
The kid spots the girlfriend (whose name is Lisa) wearing the slinky red dress, and admires her. How old is this kid anyway…fourteen? Johnny says in this cocky, self-righteous manner “Anything for my princess!” And he lets out this stupid laugh, which was totally unnecessary (the first of many unnecessary laughs). So, Denny asks an unnecessary question about how much it cost, and Lisa tells him not to ask questions like that. Ok, I’ll give her that, but can you also tell Johnny not to laugh like a horse’s ass over everything? Thank you.
Johnny then tells Denny it was nice to see him, but excuses himself to take a nap. Denny wants to go with him (huh?), but Lisa says she will be joining him (ok…?), and they exit up the crazy spiral stairs. Denny then decides to just eat the fruit on the table (what?). Meanwhile, Johnny and Lisa are busy talking about what they will do once they get off those spiral stairs and into the bedroom, a bit of TMI if you ask me. So, Denny decides to go upstairs. Because its normal.
We join Johnny and Lisa pillow fighting in the bedroom…and Denny dives between them. AWKWARD! Johnny asks Denny if he has anything better to do, so Denny says that he just likes to watch them. VERY AWKWARD! Lisa treats him like a baby by rubbing his hair, and Johnny implies that they want to be alone. Denny excuses himself to do his homework, but not before calling them lovebirds. Nope, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this encounter.
And, then the sexual encounter begins…and shit, is it awkward as hell. And the dramatic score doesn’t help. So they pillow fight, she takes her hair down, puts it back up, she removes his tie, candles burn, she removes his shirt, she menaces him with a rose. I’d call it low-budget porno but that would be an insult to the porno industry, which probably pumps more money into their productions than this one more than likely did.
And as if the dialogue in this film is already awkward, so is the sex. Because I like seeing Johnny’s nasty back…thank goodness for sheets. Which will need to be burned after this scene. So finally, the sex ends, and Lisa tries to roll away from Johnny…and I can’t blame her. But then she rolls back into his arms.
Next morning…
Johnny gets up, sniffs the rose, and…shit! What the HELL?! I already said this movie was awkward, now it just took a serious shove into disturbing! In a moment I was totally unprepared for, Johnny presents himself in the buff, as an ass-level camera captures Johnny’s naked ass walking away. I need a chaser, something far better to look at…
*Sigh* Thank you! And he didn’t even need to take his clothes off!
So naked Johnny walks out of the room and comes back two nanoseconds later in clothes (and the heavens rejoice). He says goodbye to Lisa and leaves. And I go off to bleach my eyeballs.
Later that morning, Lisa welcomes her mother into the apartment. And while I’m making associations about the actors as second rate rejects of other actors, Lisa’s Mama looks like a cut-rate version of Holland Taylor, the lady who plays Evelyn on Two and a Half Men. She even sounds like her. They hug the way moms and daughters do, and proceed to sit on the couch. Mama asks Lisa what’s wrong with her, and pries it out of her. Lisa brushes it off as “not feeling good,” and then she says she “doesn’t love him [Johnny] anymore,” citing that he is boring. A night of long, painful (at least for me), awkward sexual encounters and he’s boring to you?! Mama cites it as having been with him for five years, something Lisa doesn’t care to hear. She says that he is a wonderful man who supports her, and berates her by saying that she can’t support herself. Mama keeps throwing out words like “wonderful” and “secure.”
Lisa then agrees with her mom about how he is good for her. And then she gets up to leave. Lisa thanks her mom, gets on the phone, and calls Mark. He’s kinda hot, and he’s also very busy. Very busy. He brushes her off, and she begs him to stay on the phone. She also refers to her mom a stupid bitch. She invites him over for the next day, and he says he will be there at noon.
Dramatic scenery shot of trolley (is that Tommy Wiseau lurking on the trolley?)…and I guess it is next day. Mark comes over, and Lisa says in this demanding voice to have a seat. So, Lisa proceeds to pour alcohol (it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?). She claims it is hot in here, so she takes off her shirt (is this really the next day? She's wearing the same outift as in the previous scene), leaving some spaghetti-strap number. Mark doesn’t look turned on by it. He doesn’t get the hint either when he mentions the candles, the wine, the sexy dress, the music (he hears the score?! ), and wants to know what is going on. Lisa then sits on his lap and tells him she likes him very much…loverboy. He still can’t wrap his brain around it, so she asks if he likes her, and he responds with the oft-repeated line in this film “Johnny is my best friend.” She then says she loves him, and not to leave, because she needs him. And the cue card guy is just out of sight as she reads…er…says this. She commands him to make love to her…but he rebuffs. But, she manages to seduce him, and then begin to kiss and have spiral staircase sex. And the dramatic score heats up again. I keep waiting for an R&B voice to go “Ohhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeah!”
So, two hours – er – about three minutes later, the scene ends, and Lisa is putting her clothes back on. Mark can’t make heads nor tails of it all, and reminds her that “Johnny is my best friend.” The point is, he didn’t enjoy it. And he tells her that they can’t do this anymore (they’ve done this before?). She then says that she knows because “Johnny is his best friend.” I roll my eyes, and he steals one more kiss for the road.
We’re twenty minutes and forty-two seconds into this film, if you’re keeping track. And we’re also at a flower shop. Johnny comes to buy a dozen red roses, and the woman (Man? Woman? Man?) realizes its Johnny (I’ll take a shot in the dark with this one…are there really a lot of people trolling around San Francisco that look like him?). He pays for the roses, pets the random dog on the counter, and rushes out. This scene happens within thirty seconds. Like many others in this film, it doesn’t make sense.
Lisa is now ordering the world’s worst sounding pizza EVER…half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Then Denny comes over. And Lisa is REALLY busy. Because everyone in this film is REALLY busy when they don’t look like they are doing anything at all. Denny then admires her beauty, and asks if he can kiss her…and I sit in shock. She calls him a little brat, and he says he’s kidding. She says he can wait for Johnny, but he decides to go instead.
Lisa greets Johnny at the door, and admires the roses he gave her. He also didn’t get the promotion he was supposed to get…so she does the smart thing and asks him. What part of “Neh” did she not get?! He starts bitching about how he is a fool and that the bank puts his ideas into play without promoting him for a position (So what does he do at this bank? And what kind of bank does he work at?). She asks him if he wants a pizza, and when he says he doesn’t care, she tells him she already ordered one. Then she offers him a drink, to which he says he doesn’t drink. Yeah, but I do…how else am I going to get through this movie?
So, they eat pizza and drink wine and vodka…because its good for him, huh? She tells him that if he loves her, he will drink it. But, turns out he likes it. She tells him they will have fun…and in their own special way, they do. As the dramatic score heats up again. And we get to witness them drunk, with his tie wrapped around her head, and his already unintelligible dialogue further mangled by fake drunkenness. They proceed to have foreplay on the couch, which moves to the bedroom for another night of “sex.” You know, if Juliette Danielle was smart and had more respect for herself, she would have asked for a lot more money to have sex with Tommy Wiseau. But, considering the budget, he probably left the $300 she charges…er…was paid to make this movie, on the table and left in the morning. I am in no way implying she is a prostitute - she actually left acting after this movie and according to her biography, is doing well in another career. Far away from Tommy Wiseau. So it seems she does respect herself.
Lisa, post afterglow, is now back in the living room discussing plans for Johnny’s birthday party to cut-rate Evelyn Harper. Mama’s name is Claudette, by the way. She is invited to the party, but won’t be bringing anyone. She then talks about “that jerk Harold,” who wants a piece of her house. And we find out Harold is Claudette’s brother. She bitches about the value of her house, and then says that she is dying. Lisa insists that Claudette is not dying, to which Mama says (and I quote), “I got the results of the tests back…I definitely have breast cancer.” Huh?! Then she talks about her ex-husband, switching subjects so friggin fast, the breast cancer diagnosis hasn’t even sunk in yet with me. And I should mention that her “movie breast cancer” will never be mentioned again. EVER. In the rest of this film.
Lisa then tells Mama that Johnny got drunk last night and hit her, an allegation that Mama finds insane. Lisa then doesn’t want to talk with Mama anymore, saying that she needs to get ready to meet with a “client.”
And in yet another random scene that brings this movie to a bigger halt, two of Lisa’s friends show up at Johnny and Lisa’s apartment to…eat chocolate. “Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?” Really? And did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds? Or that the sky is blue, grass is green, and there are predictions of the world ending in 2012? DO YOU KNOW THIS?! Thank you for pointing that out, Totally Random Character. The girl proceeds to undress the guy, and she repeats the chocolate line again. She then “heads south,” and the guy makes faces representative of…oh I’m gonna say it…any character on Stargate SG-1 getting implanted with a Goa’uld unwillingly. How I could possibly cross-reference a great show with this “work of art” is beyond me.
Danny Tanner’s house…again. The pointless cutaways only add to the strange nature of this film. I’m convinced that there was too much scenery filmed in production, and it had to be used up to fill all the empty points in the film. Did I mention that most of this film consists of empty points? Because it does.
Back to the weird scene…and by the way, the guy and girl are Mike and Michelle. They awkwardly exit after Claudette berates them. Then Denny walks in (how did he get there? Did he sneak in during Mike and Michelle’s sexual encounter?), asking for sugar, a stick of butter, and some flour, to which Claudette asks him if his home has a kitchen. Denny says he will come back. Lisa then takes the opportunity to explain Denny’s history. Mike then comes back because he forgot his book…and his black undies. Claudette then leaves Lisa to herself.
Denny is on the roof of the building, when someone joins him there. His name is Chris-R, and he wants his money. Denny doesn’t have it, and says that the money is “coming” in five minutes, which sounds more like a lame excuse. Apparently Chris-R thinks so too, because he puts a gun to Denny’s head and says that he doesn’t have five minutes to wait for it. “Where’s my fucking money, Denny?!” Best line EVER! Its at that moment that Johnny, Mark, Lisa, and Claudette arrive (so she came back over?) and chase Chris-R away. Because I'd be intimidated by a guy like Johnny, with his girlie hair and Euro-style Christopher Walken voice. Claudette proceeds to bitch Denny out, as Lisa cries about the situation. Denny confesses to buying drugs. What kind? We don’t know! We just make this stuff up! Denny needed money to pay off some stuff. What stuff? We don’t know! Claudette continues to bitch him out, to which Denny whines “You’re not my fucking mother!” Haha, classic! A lot of emotional depth could have been shown in this scene…and I’m laughing too hard to notice. Johnny is comforting Denny, and insists that they go home.
Next scene…and there is something about these awkward cuts that bring the whole film down. You know, besides the bad acting, lousy dialogue, cut-rate actors…but I digress. Lisa calls Mark, and she tells him she misses him to which he says “I just saw you.” So Possibly-Gay-Mark rebuffs her feelings of love and wants to talk to Johnny. He demands to know why she does this (because she is a slut perhaps?), but she changes the conversation and says that she is going to hang up, so Possibly-Gay-Mark tells her not to call, and she, obviously not listening to what he just said, says “ok, bye.” What the…?
Which segues into…yet another rooftop scene. Johnny enters the roof via a doorway, and says the greatest line of dialogue in the film, “I did not hit her. It’s not true. It’s bullsheet, I did not hit her. I did naht…oh hai Mark!” So, Possibly-Gay-Mark is sitting on the roof, and asks if Johnny hit Lisa, to which Johnny says “No! Don’t even ahsk!” Johnny then asks what’s new with Mark. Mark asks if girls like to cheat like guys do. Johnny believes Lisa is loyal to him. Boy if he only knew! So Mark tells Johnny a story about a girl who was with twelve guys, and one of them found out. Apparently, he beat her so bad, she wound up in a hospital on Guerrero Street. And this should be a sad commentary on the lives of women who cheat on their men…except Johnny finds it hilarious and says that the story is funny, to which Mark tells him, “you can say that again!” And Johnny probably will…that line is so horribly dubbed! Johnny feels he is lucky that Mark is his best friend, Lisa is his girl…and all is right with the world. Mark talks about “Betty,” an ex-flame who was supposedly not good in bed. They have an argument about women, and Mark exits.
Denny then shows up and asks if they are going to the movies, and Johnny says some line that I think comes out as “don’t play into it too much, it may not come out right.” What?! Denny then confesses his love for Lisa, which Johnny passes off as Lisa loving him as a person. Johnny gives Denny some hackneyed advice in that “accent” of his. Johnny then tells Denny that he trusts him and Lisa. Denny’s “girlfriend” Elizabeth is mentioned (are Mark's girl "Betty" and this "Elizabeth" chick the same person, or was there a serious lacking in the creativity department when picking these names?)…and she will never be mentioned again. Johnny says they will go eat huh, and they walk away. How do you eat “huh”?
Michelle is over again, and even she is in shock about Johnny “hitting” Lisa. Lisa then confesses to Michelle about her crush…and Michele figures out that its Mark. After some conversation about fessing up, Michele provides a bit of foreshadowing, saying that something awful is going to happen. What is going to happen, Michelle? Am I going to blow my brains out over watching this film? Is someone going to dump someone else? Is there a death scene? More awkward sex scenes? Beware the ides of March? What is going to happen, Michelle?! Lisa hushes her up, and Johnny comes home. Michelle leaves.
Johnny tells Lisa that he never hit her, and she shouldn’t keep secrets from him. Lisa decides to go to bed (during the day?). Johnny throws the dramatics into overdrive, and screams “You are tearing me apart Lisa!” Or, as it came out, “You ah teahring me apaht Lisa!”
Johnny runs into Mike in the alley after a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge. Mike tells Johnny the sex story from the earlier scene in the apartment. It is one long run-on sentence. He then tells Johnny that he has to go “meet up with Michelle in a little while so he can make out with her.” Another pointless line of dialogue in a movie full of pointless lines of dialogue. So Denny and Mark show up, and the group throws a football around. Mark taps Mike, and Mike hits the ground like a rag doll.
Lisa and Claudette are having a conversation about down payments on a house, Lisa not loving Johnny…you know, everything that’s been discussed five other times in this movie. Except this time Johnny heard the whole thing…”I show them, I record everything.” So Johnny demonstrates his phone tapping expertise, and hides a tape recorder under the table. He sulks up the spiral stairs.
Next scene…Johnny is conversing with a new character, Peter. He tells Peter that he believes that Lisa is unfaithful, to which no one can believe. Johnny admits that he is talking to Peter because Peter is a “psycowlagist” (trust me, that’s how it sounds). Mark then shows up, and Johnny tells them they are talking about women. Fire up the dramatic score. Mark talks about being in love with a married woman, to which Johnny wants to meet her. What?! The men proceed to have conversations about women, barbecued chicken, beta-breakers, how Johnny met Lisa (he was a busboy in a hotel)…I don’t know, I’m trying to type, watch this damn movie, AND understand everything Johnny says. It’s hard. Lisa and Denny arrive, and Peter and Mark leave. Denny asks if Lisa got her bridal gown, to which Lisa says she has plenty of time to get one.
Next roof scene…Peter arrives to find Mark there, and they discuss how it’s a good place to think. Its also a good place to go when you need to smoke something other than a cigarette and not get wind in your hair…seriously, their hair NEVER moves. And that’s a fantastic backdrop of San Francisco. Peter and Mark get in a chick fight, and Mark almost pushes Peter off the set, er, I mean roof! Mark knocks over chairs and calls Lisa a “manipulative bitch.” Peter tells Mark not to sleep or talk with Lisa again. And they leave the backdropped set…I mean roof!
Denny arrives in a tuxedo, and we see Johnny in a tux. Apparently, Johnny couldn’t do something with his girlie hair, but Mark shaved for the occasion. Peter is there too, and the guys decide to play football, holler like morons, and knock Peter to the ground. “Gee Peter, you’re clumsy!” So we assume the next scene is the wedding, right?
Wrong! And how dare you think it would happen that way? The next scene is at a coffee shop, where Johnny and Mark order and find a table. Mark says he is fed up with girls and their games. Johnny says that the bank has a new client, but he can’t tell Mark about it, because it is confidential. Not confidential…Mark’s sex life, because Johnny asks about it. Huh?! Johnny runs off after that.
Lisa and Mark enter the bedroom for “sex,” and Mark reminds her that “Johnny is his best friend.” Again. Cue the overdramatic music. Cue another “sex” scene. This one is longer, done in more detail, and…just as awkward as all the others. Way too much thrusting going on in this scene.
Ugh…the theme music plays under a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge, as we cut to a car in the woods. Ah, the woods, a great place to hide a body…dammit, they’re playing football again! Johnny and Mark proceed to play “football” in an open field, I pray for lightning, and we cut to Lisa “sweeping.” In a scene meant to confuse rather than entertain (the general theme of the movie), Mark arrives at the house, he and Lisa remove their shirts (after he both questions what she is doing and then tells her she is “so beautiful”), and they proceed to bump and grind on the living room couch. The effort to do so goes nowhere when someone knocks on the door.
Michelle enters and informs Mark to “XYZ. Examine your zipper!” (What is this, third grade?! XYZ?!) Mark rushes out, and the Gossip Girls discuss something about living, men, Mama, and setting up for the party, I guess…my eyes glazed over an hour ago. Did I mention I’m 1 hour and 12 minutes into the movie? They engage in a chick fight, we see a shot of the bridge again, and Mark and Johnny race through the woods. Ok, this made no sense…wasn’t Mark just at Lisa and Johnny’s apartment? Oh, it’s a different scene altogether, I think…they run up some outdoor stairs and the scene ends.
Then Johnny goes to work after some unestablished night and day shots, Lisa goes back to sweeping, and Claudette bitches about men in general. Lisa chases Mama off, saying that she needs to be alone. I’m assuming that sweeping needs to be done in solitude. Johnny is now walking through a park at night, (why I have no idea) with the crappy theme music playing under his long walk home.
Somewhere, Walt Disney is shocked and appalled that this name shows up in this movie.
He arrives at the dark apartment, turns on a light, and arrives to his birthday party. Everyone sings Happy Birthday to Johnny (Johnny acts like a dork during the song), and we cut to a night shot of San Francisco…as the Nostalgia Critic said, the “screensaver while the movie loaded.” After that pointless moment, we have more moments of pointless conversation and Lisa looking at Mark. Mike decides to seduce Michelle with chocolate again, and Lisa ushers everyone out for fresh air. Some random guy says that “Lisa looks hot tonight.” What the hell…? Mark and Lisa are left alone, and Lisa starts trying to seduce him all over again, for him to brush her off…again. Some terrible actor comes back in, and asks in a monotone “Why are you doing this?” Mark tells him to leave his stupid comments in his pocket…and I laugh. New Guy says that Johnny is sensitive, and that Lisa makes him sick. Johnny re-enters with Michelle at his side and thanks Lisa for the party.
And you are....? Seriously, who is this guy, how does he know Johnny, and honestly, how bad was his acting?
The population representative of people who paid to see this movie. Angry mob? I think so!
Another pointless scenery shot gets thrown in…and now we’re on the roof. Johnny makes an announcement about how he and Lisa are “expecting.” Michelle and New Guy (is Michelle sleeping with him now?) ask about “the baby” (you know, I thought she looked pregnant), and Lisa says there isn’t one, but they will eventually have a baby. Michelle asks Lisa if she feels alright and touches her forehead (with a look of “DON’T TOUCH ME, BITCH!” on Lisa’s face). She only did so to make things interesting, but Michelle says things are only getting worse and worse…and New Guy says he feels like he is sitting on an atomic bomb, waiting for it to go off. Which is ironic, because I’ve felt this way for the last 1 hour and 22 minutes.
"We're expecting!" Expecting what? Oh...a baby! Boy, girl, or alien fetus?
Michelle expresses her concern for Lisa’s actions and how it will hurt Johnny, but Lisa decides she is all for herself. New Guy says that her actions will pull everyone down, and shake up our group of friends. Who is this guy?! Why does he just randomly show up in the film? Some friend…we don’t even know who he is, and I’m sure Lisa doesn’t either, which explains why she doesn’t take his advice kindly. He also says that he doesn’t think Mark really loves Lisa, to which Lisa pouts and refuses to talk about it. Lisa changes the subject and ushers everyone back inside for cake. Michelle, apparently talking to no one, says loud enough for many to hear, “I don’t understand you, Lisa.” And I’m sure Lisa doesn’t either, given that she is not in front of her to hear it. Cut to another “screen saver” shot with dramatic theme music, and on to the next scene.
The partygoers are back inside, eating cake. Mark wants to know whose baby Lisa is carrying (seriously, he thinks the baby is his). Lisa decides she doesn’t feel like talking about it anymore…and slaps him. It gets everyone’s attention, especially Johnny’s. He runs over, and asks what is going on. Mark decides to tell him that he doesn’t know everything. Johnny implies that he knows enough (he does?!). They engage in a quick fight that Johnny stops immediately. After another screensaver shot, Lisa and Mark are making out. Ooops, should have made it more secretive, because Johnny discovers them making out in the living room. Johnny tries to get Mark to leave, and when Mark tries to talk to him and put his hands on him, Johnny says listlessly, “Don’t tauch me muthafauckah.” And my spell check just tossed up a bunch of errors on that sentence. So they engage in a fight. Johnny proclaims “I’ll kill yah,” and my interest is piqued. Johnny calls Mark a chicken and does that stupid “cheep-cheep-cheep” sound effect, which ends when Johnny says that he is fed up with this world…and exits his party. Funny, I was fed up with the world as depicted by this movie, but you don’t see me running out of my bedroom and abandoning this recap. Hell no, the recap must go on…and I must motor through this film. I promised to finish this recap…
Claudette comes up to the bedroom and tells Lisa that she cleaned up. Lisa is mad that Johnny won’t come out of the bathroom. Claudette reminds Lisa that Johnny is sensible, and that he will come out, they will talk, and everything will be right with the world. Claudette exits, leaving Lisa to talk to the bathroom door, which is locked. Lisa tells Johnny he can come out, and he informs her that he will be out in a few minutes…bitch. Love it, but it could have been said better. Slut, tramp, trollop, hooker…all acceptable descriptions for his homewreckin’ honey. Lisa demands to know who Johnny is calling a bitch, and he informs her “You and your stupid mothah.” Oh, that’s a relief…because I’m listening to the same dialogue and just could not, for the life of me, figure out who he was calling a bitch. PHEW! Thanks for the clarification!
Lisa then calls the only person who can help her…Mark. Mark wants to know to know what is going on, and Lisa calls Johnny a big baby. So Mark tells her to “ditch this big creep…I don’t like him anymore.” That makes sense! I’ve only been thinking it for ninety minutes…if she didn’t love him anymore, she should have dumped him the first time she said she felt that way, and the movie would have been over in a swift 11 minutes. Mark tells her to come on up because he wants her body. Johnny takes the opportunity to come out of the bathroom, and asks Lisa who she was talking to. Lisa says nobody, and he says “we’ll see about that.” And Denial is a river in Africa, Johnny.
Johnny then decides to pull out his trusty phone- tapping tape recorder, and plays the whole conversation OVER again…as if hearing it once wasn’t enough. He then proceeds to scream, “You little tramp! How can you do this to me?! I gave you seven years of my life, and you betray me! Let’s see what else you say.” She then calls him a little prick (YES! I knew it!), and says she “put up with him” for seven years (I thought it was five…I think Tommy Wiseau should have gone back and proofread the script). Johnny finishes listening to the tape recording of the conversation we just heard, yells some indecipherable word, and throws the tape recorder against the wall. He laments about betrayal and says he doesn’t have a friend in the world, to which Lisa storms out.
"I'm angry, huh? I'm angry roar roar!"
What happens next is the most passive temper tantrum in the world, as Johnny screams “Why Lisa why?!” and throws things around. He begins having flashbacks of awkward sex scenes from earlier in the film, as he screams like a wounded yak. He’s so angry, and he just has to show it. He trashes the apartment, throws the TV out the window, and undoes the bed. He screams on the bed, breaks a mirror, and for the love of everything holy, stops the tantrum. He begins rubbing the red dress on himself, curses and sounds like he is mutating in pain, and…pulls out a gun. He can’t take the torment anymore, prays for God to forgive him (for what he plans to do with the gun, or for this performance? Last I checked, God won’t forgive you on either aspect). And, with a final vision of Lisa…sticks the gun in his mouth and does the most rational thing that could be done in this movie. And I’m so jaded by this point in the film…I’m actually laughing. It sounds sick, but I’m laughing as he falls backwards in slow motion from the impact of the bullet.
Mark and Lisa come racing up to the bedroom, and Mark begins to plead with Johnny to “wake up!” What?! Wake up…wake up?! Are you serious? No pleas in this world will bring this man back.
And, because she’s intelligent enough to be in the computer business, Lisa asks the ultimate question… “is he dead?” And she does so with all seriousness, or perhaps its her acting skills. Dead?! Dead?! What do you think, Lisa?! Do you think he’s alive after taking an impactful shot like that? Mark finds blood on his hands and confirms it, and shouts it at her. Mark gets gayishly close to his face, and grabs Lisa. Lisa then does something so sick…she gets over him fast and reminds Mark that she has him. Mark gets angry and says that she never “had him.” He also says that she killed him…and Lisa ignores that and tells him that they are free to be together. She says she loves him, and he calls her a tramp. He wants her out of his life…and then Denny runs in, crying and freaking out. Denny tells Mark to leave, and Mark says “as far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the face of the earth. That’s a promise.” What, are you promising she’ll drop off the face of the earth? Makes no sense, but he exits, so its ok. Lisa and Denny are left to cry over Johnny’s lifeless corpse, as sirens blare. Mark comes back too, and the three hover over the body, and we get one last shot of Johnny, as the sirens come closer and the three cry over him. Fade to black. Roll credits.
*Sigh of relief* I’ve done it. Not only did I finish watching this movie (all 99 minutes of it), but I’ve managed to write this recap without completely going off the deep end.
This film is a miracle…in the sense that you put it on, and when its over, you can’t figure out where the last 99 minutes of your life went. It is also a miracle because it leaves more questions than answers, more inconsistencies than consistencies, and me wondering how this movie was ever made. Although no major studio financed it nor green-lighted production, it was still made. The saying goes, "There's a sucker born every minute." Truth!
Ok, so this film is a bit hard to stomach, the dialogue is so unbelievably hokey, and the characters are…well, they’re just not realistic. I can’t think of another way to describe them, aside from the fact that some of them are second-rate imitations of other more well-known actors. The dialogue wouldn’t be passable for an elementary school play, and the music, the sex scenes, the non-sex scenes, all of the scenes in general…its just terrible. All terrible. And I have to admit it, because it wouldn’t be fair for me to go this far in recapping it and not saying how I really feel about this movie…it’s a lot of fun. I love this movie. I hate to admit it, but I love this movie. It’s just so bad, it’s watchable. Normally, I wouldn’t spare my sanity for something like this, but this movie is just something that NEEDS to be seen. And while I’ll never be able to unsee it, I can be among the fray that can discuss this movie at length. Because when I think of deep, meaningful conversation, it usually involves discussion of this movie.
Related Viewings
Then, after you’ve watched this train wreck, er, film, check out the Nostalgia Critic’s review of this film…some very dedicated You Tube users have kept it alive despite the swift removal of it on the Critic’s website in July 2010. I also recommend watching “The Tommy Wiseau Show,” which is the Critic’s mocking of Tommy Wiseau, and his response to having his review removed.
Well, you’ve read my recap. And if you haven’t lost your sanity either…God bless you, you’re a strong person.
That’s all she wrote for now…I’m Allison, and no, you aren’t dreaming. You actually read this.
Thanks for visiting (and reading)! Comments, as always, are appreciatred!
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I am in no way profitting from my opinion on this film. I saw it for the first time in July 2010, and knew it was worthy of a write-up on my site. My intention is not to set out to offend anyone. I really did like this movie in an unconventional way, as this is generally not something I would watch. My respect to everyone involved in this film, as you've done something I've only dreamed of doing. That's making a film, not playing a role in this one.
