The Bad, The Ugly...and the Unwatchable.  All qualities a good movie would never have, but qualities that comprise of a Bad Movie.

By: Allison (With Contributions by a Few "Sources")

So, what makes a movie so bad that it’s good, or the opposite…unwatchable and just plain bad?

A year ago, I blogged for opinions on what constitutes a Bad Movie. Here’s what they contributed, as well as a few contributions from myself, a lover of the “So Bad It’s Good” genre.

So, you know it’s a bad movie when…

The main character has undergone a physical transformation multiple time in the movie (consider it a "character flaw"), but the climactic transformation sequence at the end of the movie always ends with the main character having a look of confusion on his or her face that equals the looks on the faces of the people watching the movie. It's a look that says, "I have no idea what happened," and we're left saying the same exact thing. And we witnessed it!!!

The movie lacks a production logo at the beginning. No company was willing to take credit!

The movie has this burning need to establish a time and place, like "California - Present Day." No way! I almost thought it was 1945, but then I saw that 1984 model Toyota drive by, and I just knew this movie had to take place in...oh, I don't know...1984!!!!

The director uses a pseudonym.

The movie changes directors several times.

The movie could have been made by me with a camera, ten dollars, a few friends, and a Slip-and-Slide (or any ridiculous items one may have around the house).

The Razzies "dis-honored" the movie with a nomination in its "Worst On-Screen Couple" category. The "couple" consists of one of the following: two body parts, a body part and a person, or two people who were opposite personalities and shared no screen time whatsoever.

When you hear "From the makers of Gigli"

It's rated PG and it stars Ice Cube.

Male frontal nudity, and it's British.

Its a "re-imagining.”

…Or the movies been remade 'bout a hundred times...

It breaks box office records.

The remarks people shout at the screen make for better dialogue than what is actually being said on screen.

The spider that crawled near the projector and cast a wicked shadow on the screen was a helluva lot cooler than the movie (this acutally happened at the movies once!).

The dumb girl got killed, and you laughed hysterical....for five minutes. In fact, you were still laughing when the movie was over.

Mike and the robots on MST3K watched it, and the movie was actually better that way.

You do "Samurai Theater" when you watch a Bad Movie - turn the volume down and fill in your own dialogue. (Note from the Yours Truly: I saw this on "Wings.")

You have a money bet on who will die next.

You and your friends pick characters in a horror movie, and high five everyone whose character doesn't meet a grisly fate. Who's the last one standing? You'd rather not have to wait until the end of the movie.

Blatantly obvious product placement.

The movie is a rip off of an earlier, better idea, but is so low-budget that certain elements are cheaper and uglier than its better, bigger budget predecessor.

The soundtrack sells more than the movie...

The movie has three sequels, and only one of the actors from the original is left by the third sequel.

The credits say the movie was "inspired" by an earlier movie, or novel, but that inspiration is questionable.

Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker, and David Zucker (the creative minds behind "Airplane" and the "Naked Gun" movies) make their own version of your movie... (ever see "Airport 1975"?? It became "Airplane.")

Even worse, their version makes more money than its more serious counterpart!

Wait...this wasn't a comedy?

Twenty dollars worth of Cover Girl makeup, shoulder pads, and a video camera, and I can play Joan Crawford!

The Razzie Awards names an award after you.

When you say what you think they'll say, and they actually say it!

The music during the opening credits makes you laugh. Never a good sign.

Frank Stallone sings the movie's closing theme.

Sylvester Stallone sings any song during the movie.

When to opening credits is half the damn movie.

When the main character dies, then comes back, stronger, and still gets his ass whipped.

Anything that ends in Movie... For example… Date Movie, Superhero Movie, Epic Movie…

When "THE END" shows up on the screen...did anyone really think we wouldn't buy that the movie is over?!

Random acts of violence…

Random acts of nudity.

Even worse, it's a fat geriatric in the nude.

The late Marlon Brando, anyone?

When "The Critic" parodies a film or specific actor, and the movie actually could be appealing. "Rabbi PI," anyone?

When it starts out with "American" in the movie. (American Ninja to American Ninja 4)

Really? This movie came out last year? You would think with the quality of the film, it was made in 1977!

An extra in the background just laughed. Perhaps he knows something we don't?

You can tell the budget is running out.

A car goes over a cliff...and changes into a different car...before changing back into the original ill-fated car...and hits the ground, exploding into an inferno.

Look, it's a boom microphone...FIVE TIMES!

Good guy turns bad.

Excessive use of the Welheim scream.

Joel McHale parodies it...and it actually could be interesting.

The filmmaker is also the screenwriter, the producer, the musical director and one of the main actors. (Teenagers from Outer Space.)

Michael bay does the same lame shooting he did in Pearl Harbor.

People who aren't fans of what ever movie is being made, make the movie.

When I can predict who's going to "die" and how.

The original makes the "remake" or "re-imagining" of the franchise look like the POS it is.

When "Alan Smithee" directed it...

(Author’s note: I know that I mentioned directors using a pseudonym earlier, but the Alan Smithee credit is the ultimate nod to anonymity.)

Narration is very emphasize what is every scene...

And in regards to narration…I don't want to know all of your waking moments...just clue me into the important thoughts, not when you need to go to the bathroom!

When the use of a voice over in a movie becomes a more than common occurance that it takes over more than half the movie, you know the screen writer couldn't think of any clever dialogue. Narration should set the scene, not BE the scene!

Criteria for a Lifetime movie:

1. The protagonist, in 90% of the movies, is a woman, and the man is the antagonist. In 5% of the movies, another female is the antagonist. And in the other 5%, the man is the protagonist and the woman is the antagonist.

2. The main character(s) have a secret.

3. Someone has visions of a deceased family member.

4. Everyone lives in a nice house in a great neighborhood.

5. In a movie about lost love, some hunky guy or beautiful girl is going to turn everything around for the main character.

6. That hunky guy is usually from some Eastern European country (more than likely an unnamed country).

7. The movie climaxes with a firey car crash, someone getting shot, custody being won, family member gets out of prison/drug rehab, an arrest, or the antagonist getting killed.

8. And the protagonist and anyone who survived lives happily ever after.

9. The movie ends on a freezeframe with an epilogue explaining a statistic or what happened after the movie was finished.

The following applies to any Lifetime or Hallmark Hall of Fame/Channel movie:

1. The setting is usually during the 1800s either on the brink of the Civil War or after the Civil War.

2. It takes place in the Old West

3. The Protagonist is Male 95% of the time, or Female that either moved from the east, or lived in the west there whole life. The Antagonist 5% of the time is Male wanting the Protagonist’s land, or Female that hate all men.

4. It starts off with a fight with Native Americans and the scene ends with some one almost dying.

5. The Protagonist's family member dies, usually a sister, or a mother, either of childbirth, or sickness.

6. The male remarries, or the female lives alone both raising a family.

7. It ends with the Protagonist falling in love with the Antagonist, and the marry, and it freeze frames with them smiling with children in a cottage in the forest.

Too many close-ups...of anything

This is by no means an exhaustive list of every factor that makes a movie Bad, surely there are many more factors that clue us in on the movies we should either avoid at all costs or watch over and over again.

I’d like to thank all of my friends from my blogging community for their help in putting this list together, you know who are and I’m eternally grateful to have your help.

So, what do you think makes a Bad Movie “Good…” or unwatchable by the masses? Let me know! Feedback is welcome and encouraged!

Click the link below to state your opinion!

Praise?  Nitpicks?  Ideas of what makes a Bad Movie?  E-mail me!

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